OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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