3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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