Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
