My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
