so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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