I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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