u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
