you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
