I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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