best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
