Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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