I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
