he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
