What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
