I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
