So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
