Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
