I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
