So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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