Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
