For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
