I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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