my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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