K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
