What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
