hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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