Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
