i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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