Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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