i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
