Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
