Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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