I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
