Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
