So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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