and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He did a backflip because drugs
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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