I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize