there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
