Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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