The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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