guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
