Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
