just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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