Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
