I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
