This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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