dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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