Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
