Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
