There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
