had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
