Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize