Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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