You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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