You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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